Negima Humor compilation
by Scion-of-Thanatos
Summary: A series of oneshots meant for humor and nothing else.
1. First Shot

**Mahou Sensei Negima**

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Negima.

A different take on what could've happened during the world tree "Kiss Terminator" incident. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, FOLKS! Also, there is some strong language, just to warn you. (But not senseless language, at least to me anyways)

Watch what you say, Asuna…

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"_This has got to be the WORST day ever!" _Asuna thought, watching as Negi advanced upon her and a trembling Nodoka, who took up residence behind Asuna. _"First; I get molested by him when he's half dressed, and now THIS? Why can't I get at least one break in my life?"_

Asuna looked over to where the two new arrivals were cowering, their clothing reduced to fragments by the child prodigy that was making his way nearer by the second to Asuna's and Nodoka's position.

"M-Maybe I should-should just allow for him to kiss-"

NO WAY!" Asuna shouted, cutting Nodoka off rather quickly. "Did you even happen to SEE the look in his eyes?"

The two girls looked back to the boy who'd stopped for a second, as though regarding their conversation as nothing more then senseless drivel as they looked back into his almost predatory gaze.

"If you kissed him" Asuna and Nodoka both pictured what would happen, with Nodoka's body twitching after a very, very deep kiss by her beloved sensei, "you'd die!"

Nodoka began to panic even harder now, having pictured what type of condition she'd likely be in after a kiss by the "Kiss Terminator" Negi. "W-What do we-" Nodoka looked back at Negi, who'd resumed his slow pace towards the two girls, "What do we do, Asuna?"

"Hell if I know!"

Asuna and Nodoka backed away from Negi, realizing that he had them cornered seconds later as they both bumped against the guard railings along the edge of the roof. "There's nowhere else we can run!" Nodoka whimpered, her fate almost predictable by now, as Negi closed in on them.

Asuna, meanwhile, was looking around for someway to slow the boy wizard down. _"Dammit! Why couldn't those two twits over there keep their clothing on? Or, better yet, seeing as it's only us girls up here along with Negi, why can't they use some spell and THEN cover themselves up?"_ Asuna gripped her harisen as she made eye contact with her sensei again, trying harder to find a way to slow down the magically possessed/enhanced Negi.

"_God this is too frustrating! Dammit, why can't he take care of himself for once?"_ Asuna's mind was now filled with a string of curses aimed at her sensei who she blamed for all these magical "mishaps" that occurred since he'd arrived in Mahora. _"Argh…"_

"_Damn it…"_

"_Dammit…"_

"_DAMMIT!"_

Asuna stood up straight at this point, having finally snapped in her mind at Negi, who was only a few feet from where she stood at present, and shouted out her stress without thinking in the heat of the moment…

"Fuck me!"

It was only milliseconds before she realized her grievous mistake, as the other occupants of the rooftop all shared the same exasperated look of shock and awe as the boy stopped dead in his tracks, going over what she'd just said.

At that precise moment, the world tree lit up, changing the first order Negi received from Nodoka, to the one just given by Asuna.

"W-W-W-Wait a-a-a-a s-s-second, NEGI!" Asuna shouted, her eyes as wide as dinner plates as the young wizard confirmed her order before leaping towards her, missing just barely as Asuna turned and dashed off the side of the rooftop, succeeding in sticking the landing and making a break for the airport with Negi close behind, cheered on by Nodoka, Takane and Mei, the last of the two having finally recovered and found something to wrap around their nude bodies.

The festival goers found it quite funny to watch as a young woman ran by them, yelling how she hated the young boy close behind her, this academy, and all things magic in general as she tried her hardest to keep her clothing, and her virginity, while making a beeline for the nearest plane departing from this psychotic country, and damn the expense.

A year later, in Wales…

"I wonder what happened to Negi? He hasn't written in so long from Japan…" Nekane sighed, placing her head in her hands as she watched the rain pour down outside of her small house. "Maybe I should write the headmaster there and-"

Nekane was cut off by a rapping at the door, followed by the sound of a baby's cry. "Who is it, I wonder?" Nekane whispered to herself, jumping suddenly when she heard an all too familiar voice from the other side telling someone else that he was sure he had the right house. "That can't be-" Nekane ran to the door, flinging it open to see…

"N…Negi?" she gasped, looking at the three strangers who happened to be standing on her doorstep. "W-what's going-who is she? And why do you have a baby with you?"

Negi gulped, fearing the reaction he'd get from his sister figure after explaining everything. "Er, this woman here is Asuna…and this here" he pointed at the baby Asuna was currently holding in her arms, a baby that looked remarkably like Negi, "is our son…"

A scream loud enough to shatter glass was released from Nekane, followed quickly by a thud as she fainted on her own front porch…

Asuna smirked at the passed out woman on the porch in front of her, tending to the child in her arms before muttering under her breath. "Yeah, I didn't think he was packing live ammunition either…"

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**A/N:** This story was in my head for a while now, ever since I read another fic that re-did the events of the world tree kiss thing, and I always wondered what would've happened if this took place instead... Also, for those who want in-depth description from a small humor peice like this...This is strictly for humor purposes, alright? I know that I didn't explain every single facet of the story but take it for what it is meant to be, people!

Also, for those who might be waiting for an update to my other MSN stories, please be patient as I've had to take care of somethings that've popped up in my life, and I had to deal with writer's block for awhile now...

Well, hope you liked this attempt at humor, sorry if you didn't... Read and Review! See ya!


	2. Second Shot

_**Mahou Sensei Negima**_

_**Disclaimer:**_ After all this time...I still don't own it, and from the looks of it? I never will!

Second-Shot: Kotaro's instincts…

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_Instincts…something all living things have…an impulse to perform the necessary tasks to survive in this harsh, unforgiving world of ours…_

_However, some instincts are not as…welcomed as others are…and one Kotaro Inugami is slowly losing the battle to keep THAT instinct, that innate desire that all canines have, under control…_

Kotaro looked outside the dormitory window at the rain pouring down from the heavens, silently ticked that his day of training was cut short due to the turn in the weather.

'I could've been working on a new technique today…' he thought, stretching out before plopping down on the floor nearest the heater. 'Ughh…'

Kotaro was the only one home at this time, as Natsumi was off doing only god knows what with her club, and Chizuru was strangely absent today. Kotaro, however, couldn't be thankful enough for Chizuru's absence, because the girl could get…well, down right creepy and disturbing when the two of them were alone.

'And at least I won't have to worry about losing control…good lord, why did I have to have THAT instinct?'

Kotaro was almost always able to keep control of himself, but there were days where he felt particularly weak willed in that department. It wasn't just a part of his blood, to one half of him, it was a way of life!

He had succeeded in keeping himself under control during the Wilhelm incident, when he'd witnessed some of Negi's students in various states of extreme undress, and also was barely affected by Asuna's…attire, but this was one of those days when his control would wane, and he was thankful for the lonely dorm room that he currently presided in until his roommates arrived back.

"Hey, wait a minute! I forgot about Ayaka-" at that moment, the sound of a doorknob turning could be heard. It was unfortunate for him that it was the blonde rich girl herself walking into the room.

"Hello!" Ayaka chirped, slumping slightly when she noticed that she was alone, albeit for a very shrimpy boy standing on the opposite side of the room, looking rather…suspicious with his back against the wall and his eyes as wide as dinner plates due to the girl's current attire, which was currently wet and rather…tight, as she'd removed her blazer to cover herself while she was in the rain, leaving her white blouse underneath to get a little…wet.

"What is your problem?" she asked, giving the boy another questioning glance before shaking her head and walking into the bathroom to get out of her wet clothing.

'Gotta get outta here!' his mind raced, realizing now that his…instincts were acting up now that he had company, shaking very much like a Chihuahua in the winter. 'Gotta get-'

He stopped in his tracks just inches from the door, an almost demonic grin spread across his face. 'Oh, she'd kill me! Heheheh…' he rubbed his hands together, grinning like an axe murderer before killing an innocent victim.

This, he thought, would be the perfect way to get back at Ayaka for all the crap she'd given him since his arrival. Okay, so he was mostly to blame for the crap she gave him, but to him, it was the principals of the entire thing!

And besides that, who'd believe her when she told anyone this story? If, that was, she'd speak about it at all?

After nodding his head he resigned himself to his fate after he committed this action, knowing full good and well what the blonde girl would do to him if she recovered from "it" fast enough.

It was as Ayaka walked out of the bathroom, clad only in a towel, that she noticed Kotaro standing beside the door, his face down and hidden by his black bangs. "What's your problem, brat?"

Kotaro's mouth curved into a grin, his body began to shake as he lunged towards the blonde, eliciting a scream of horror before…

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY LEG?"

As the sounds of a beating emanated from the dormitory, the young Inugami's thoughts ran over the fact that the instinct he'd just satisfied wasn't the only, nor the most embarrassing one he had in his repertoire…

But it was sure as hell one of the greatest!

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**A/N**: Okay, we all know that there is yet another "action" that members of the canine family happen to sport, this is the only one I think would be fit to print, as the other one...well, that'd turn this fic into a smutfest, I'm sure! I doubt this is one of my better works, but it got my creative juices flowing again, and that's what really matters!

On an unrelated note; I'm thinking the next shot(if I continue this) will be a NegiXShizuna chapter, because I have a desire to see something like that, and no one is obliging that desire as far as I know. Well, I'll be seeing you all!

See ya!


	3. Third Shot

**His "Secret" Technique...**

**Takes place: **Chapters 240-241 of manga.

_-With apologies to: Shirou Emiya, Rin Tohsaka, and of course, Archer, which is kind of redundant if you know anything about the UBW route, or the story in general...-_

**-While Training-**

Negi Springfield, the child prodigy who only so long ago became a teacher at Mahora Academy to complete his training to become a magister magi stood there, quiet to the point of deathly stillness as he concentrated, his mind focusing all his power as he pondered over just how he planned to defeat the fabled hero, Jack Rakan. Yes, it was true this man fought against, and alongside Negi's father back during the war, but that was of no consequence to the child teacher.

Only the here, and the now.

His students' freedom depended on him and Kotaro's victory in the arena against his father's erstwhile companion, the mercenary Jack Rakan. He hadn't the time to become doubtful, only to prepare.

The three who'd offered their assistance in teaching him and his battle buddy, the young Inugami, watched on with wonder as the child's determination showed through a crease of his brow and a slight "hmm" sound coming from his lips. No one could figure out just what the young boy was thinking, though they'd hoped it was of a way to put Rakan's ego back to a manageable level.

Honestly, Ricardo and Seras both thought in unison, when something so intangible can help you burst out of another dimension, it does need to be taken down a notch!

"Do you guys think we should try and-" Kotaro realized his words fell on deaf ears as the others sat as still as possible, watching and waiting for Negi's next move. Before anyone could react however, Negi stood up, nodded his head, and began chanting something, though he stopped halfway, wrapping his left hand around his right fist as he remembered something, perhaps, of importance to whatever he'd just been about to do.

"I'll have to hope that it'll work..." Negi spoke softly. "Though, not being able to practice 'that' technique before the fight... ugh, well I guess there's nothing I can do about it."

Negi's few words piqued the interest of each person there, especially Theodora, who watched with rapt attention as the young male looked back at the four, signaling that he was ready to begin training yet again for the match between that broken character and his old friend's young son...

**-At the Arena-**

The crowd cheered, for the day was finally upon them. This day, here and now would show to all within the world of Megalomesembria whether the man calling himself "Nagi" was indeed the reincarnation of the hero that had saved the magic world years before, or nothing but a fraud banking on the fame his real counterpart had gained through his exploits. And, they all thought, who better to display this person's fraudulent claims, or truthful exclamations than his own once-ally, Jack Rakan!

"Ugh, if that brat doesn't get here soon, this crowd's gonna rip him apart before I can!" Jack burst out laughing, his ally swathed in shadows (strangely, not the underage stripper from Mahora) just looking at him as though the hero's sanity was going faster than originally believed.

Though, after a moment the man had slapped his forehead, remembering that in order to slip away, one's sanity must have been there to begin with...

"But really, does he _have_ to steal the spotlight all the time?" Rakan whined.

Just as he was about to begin a short tirade, the cheers of the crowd pulled his wandering mind back to reality, and to the two competitors standing across from his and his partner's place in the arena.

"Good to see ya, kid!" The giant of a man spoke, the giant blade with which he rested his hands upon only adding to the intimidating appearance he bore. "Shall we get it on?"

Negi, his partner standing to his side as he made eye contact with the man before him, chose this moment to ask Rakan the question on his mind.

"Rakan-san, I've found another reason why I have to win this fight." Negi spoke, his entire body steeled at the thought of the ensuing battle just seconds away.

"Oh?"

"If I manage... to defeat you here, will you acknowledge me as having reached full manhood?" Negi asked, his jaw set.

Rakan chuckled. "Sure. _If _you can beat me."

With those words, Negi and Kotaro braced themselves as the battle got underway. "Well then," Negi readied his 'secret' technique, though he allowed for a quick glance here and there to see whether certain people were watching before hand. "I will use all my power... to win this battle at all costs!" And with those 'fighting' words, Kotaro sailed forward, giving Negi time to enact his new technique he'd been working on while they'd trained...

_I am the spitting image of my father_

Everyone stopped moving, the boy's chant catching even the mercenary hero himself off guard.

_Tenacity is my attitude, perversion is in my blood_

_I have created tens of partnerships_

Rakan and Kagetarou looked on, even Kotaro himself was wondering where such words would lead!

_Not yet of age_

_Nor able to understand women_

_Have withstood great amounts of pain on behalf of my ermine familiar to create many pactios_

Oddly, Chamo sneezed at the mere mention of his species.

_Yet this one will never know monogamy_

_So, as I pry, Unlimited Harem Works!_

The crowd sat in stunned silence (Though Setsuna, Konoka and the others' jaws all sat collectively on the floor they were all standing on) and Rakan and Kagetarou both shared the same face of shocked silent disbelief. It was as Negi shook Kotaro out of his stupor that Inugami had finally managed to ask just what in the _hell_ his ally had said all that for when Negi chuckled, making his way over to their opponents as Kotaro tried in vain to stop his cheery companion from doing so. However, Kotaro's worries were unfounded as, Negi displayed, Rakan and Kagetarou were both unconscious, the mere idiocy of Negi's "Technique" being enough to fry even Jack's one-track mind...

And with that...

Negi and Kotaro were declared the champions.

**The End.**

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I am back, and I hope this, though not of NegiXShizuna flavor, made you laugh.

Sorry if it didn't, though.


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